Today on Dogwalking 101: a new post about old dogs. I've always had a soft spot in my heart (which actually sounds like a malady common to some older canines) for dogs that are the back nine, so to speak. I find them very similar to older human beings to be honest. Aaaaaaaaand because it's what I do, here's a bulleted list of more similiarities between old people and old dogs!
- Cataracts. Both tend to have some ocular issues, and this milky white devil blotch is often one of them. HOWEVER, whereas I've seen tons of elderly folks with those dope megashades post–cataract surgery, I've never seen a dog with them on. And that's a damn shame, because it would be the coolest thing ever.
- White hair. This is a no brainer: old people have white hair and old dogs have white snouts and faces. I assume this happens in both human beings and dogs because all the things they've experienced in life have burned out the part of their heads that is responsible for dyeing their hair before it erupts from their skull.
- Slow roll. Neither of them are ever in a hurry to get anywhere. If something is cool, they've already checked it out—and if they haven't, who cares anyways it probably wasn't that cool anyways. This aloof attitude bestows an innate confidence and respectability to their presence. Think about it, who do you respect more: the snot nosed child/puppy that skitters up to you in total manic episode mode OR the smooth old person/doggo that lazily scoots up to you like you mean NOTHING to them?
- Distrust of strangers. This dovetails with the Slow roll concept: if they've met you already, you're probably cool, and if they haven't who caaaaaaaaares. This is why both old dogs and your grandpa bark at people from the front porch. (Note: the Cataract point from earlier might also have something to do with this, 'cause when you can't see someone, you sure as hell won't recognize them.)
- Cannot drive well. Self-explanatory.
- Retired. I suppose this applies to dogs of all age ranges as none of them were ever employed, but old dogs really EMBODY the jobless life. Lots of naps. Lots of snoring. That's (hopefully) all retirement is.
- Listen to the radio and cable news. The dog side of this theory is one that I've been working on for a while: no one listens/watches more radio/cable news than dogs that are left at home during the day. People leave the radio/TV on for their pets to create the illusion that the dog has a robust social life hanging out with the disembodied voice of Terry Gross or Sean Hannity (depending on the household). The sheer amount of content the pups must absorb during the day is astounding. There's a good chance that housedogs were more informed than most of the general electorate this last election. AND THEY PROBABLY UNDERSTOOD THE RHETORIC OF THE LEADING REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE TOO, EH?
Well then. Those are the most salient examples of similarities between old people and old dogs. I think we've all learned a lot here! To be serious though, there is a special place in Heaven for people who adopt older dogs from shelters. Or even volunteer their time at shelters to play with the older dogs. They're not hard to find there, as the vast majority of unadopted doggos skew older. So get out there this weekend and go nuzzle some snow-capped dogears or accept a weird smelling face lick from a pale-snouted pooch.