Doggy Blog

Dogwalking 101: The Humble Fanny Pack

The fanny pack is an essential tool in the warm weather dogwalker's toolkit. In the colder months, one can put the myriad keys, bags, notecards, sunglasses, treats, etc. in one's jacket pockets. This is not the case in the warm and humid Chicago spring and summer, where wearing a jacket would essentially put you in the same camp perspirationally as a college wrestler trying to suck down those last five pounds. The fanny pack frees you to shed those pesky outer layers AND gives you 4-6 external pockets of various sizes. Now, that is VALUE.

 Josh, demonstrating the VALUE of the fanny pack out and about in the city.

Josh, demonstrating the VALUE of the fanny pack out and about in the city.

Full disclosure: I've been touting the VALUE of the fanny pack for years now, with varying levels of disgust from my significant other, friends, familly, clergy, etc. I believe it started on the rugby pitch, where you are forced to wear pocketless rugby shorts. This isn't much of a problem during the game, but afterwards when you're icing up your knees and drinking a covert beer on sidelines, pockets are a necessity. I took to wearing a fanny pack to rugby games probably back in 2008 and I haven't really slowed down since. I won't lie to you, dear readers, it's taken not a small amount of bravery to continue to man the battlements of Fanny Pack Castle all these years. To proudly wear the fanny pack in the dark years where it was relegated to the realm of nerdy dads and that weird kid from high school that always ran between classes was not easy. But god dammit, a man without principles isn't a man at all.

 Still life with Sean's fanny pack, a prime blend of utility and flair. A bit worn down.

Still life with Sean's fanny pack, a prime blend of utility and flair. A bit worn down.

However, mine eyes have noticed a recent uptick in the number of outwardly "cool lookin'" guys and gals (sound more like an alien Sean, really) wearing the formerly maligned accessory. Dare I say, the ultimate in hipcentric pocketry is indeed becoming HIP in its own right? GUYS I CAN'T HELP MYSELF, THIS ENTIRE BLOG POST WAS DESIGNED TO MAKE THAT ONE JOKE WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE—bullllllleted list save me from myselllllllf:

Benefits of the fanny pack

  • External pockets. I know I mentioned this before, but it needs some more detail. Typically, you get one large main pocket and one smaller front pocket. These are the workhorses of the pack. They'll carry your wallet, keys, phone, notecards, a beer, etc. However, on any fanny pack that is worth its mettle you also get two smaller satellite pockets on the sides. These are the darkhorses of the FP, and can fit any number of interesting itemry. Recently I've found that if you put a roll of dog bags in one and half zip it, you can pull them out individually without the whole roll popping out. LIVING THE DREAM OVER HERE.

  • Fashion statement/creative expression. The fanny pack is like a billboard for your pelvis. It gives you another avenue to express WHO. YOU. ARE. as a person through color and assorted pins or patches. Keep it light with the pins tho, dogs hate that Hot Topic vibe (especially golden retrievers—can you imagine a less "Hot Topic" breed than the sunny golden?). We at Home Treat Home recommend you go sporty and fun with your pack: think bright colors, exotic zipper angles, slung low on the hip. However, if you're going to go utilitarian, at least add some flair.

  • Unanimous appreciation and jealousy from the public. If I'm not getting stopped whilst walking Mr. Cooper, I'm usually getting stopped by people asking where I got that fly fanny pack. They're all like, "Damn, that fanny is lookin' dope kid!" and I'm like "Thanks BRO!" even if it's a lady and then we do a three-way high five with whatever dog I'm walking and there's a freeze frame and then cue J. Geils Band's "Freeze Frame" and roll credits. I would say, conservatively, this happens every single day.

  • The word "fanny". The word "fanny" is amazing. It's childish and antiquated and is probably the politest way to say "butt" (though I've heard different definitions from our friends across the pond). And you don't really ever have the chance to say it—unless you are wearing the pack that proudly displays the term like a god damn badge.

Those really cover all the bases, I think. It's hard to argue with pure utility, radiant creative expression, near-constant public adoration, and the word fanny.

 Wrong kind of dog fanny pack.

Wrong kind of dog fanny pack.

We at Home Treat Home predict a bright future for the fanny pack, and are adjusting our investment portfolio accordingly. In fact, and I shouldn't even mention this, our diligent Home Treat Home technicians are busy in the lab (pun intended) working on a fanny pack just for dogs. Think of the possibilities. A world of dogs with fanny packs and wraparound sunglasses, playing volleyball on the beach and high fiving. It's almost too beautiful to imagine.

The one thing we need is a fancy name for our new creation. Please comment here or on our Facebook page with your best names for a fanny pack for dogs (not the abomination to the left here, that's the wrong kind). Happy Friday everyone, grab a fanny pack and get out there!

Sean