Oscar is the perfect dog to kick off the first Adventures in Dogsitting. Not only am I dogsitting him right now (he’s currently sitting on a chair staring intently at the wall), but he has a whole host of other positive characteristics. He’s FRIENDLY. He’s SOFT. He’s (fairly) WELL BEHAVED. And he’s a PUGGLE (which makes him adorable and hilarious in both appearance and mannerisms). Oscar and I have been hanging out for quite a while now, and I have to tell you: it’s been a delight. I know you probably think I say that about every dog. And in fact, I do. Because dogs are rad.
What we will be doing here today is GRADING Oscar’s performance as a dogsittee in several categories that I will be making up as I go. Without further ado, THE CATEGORIES:
FOODING AND DRINKING
GRADE: A
Oscar is OBSESSED with food. Some confluence of traits from his pug lineage and beagle lineage have led to an undying wish to consume all food and treats forever and always. If Oscar is hiding somewhere when I show up to walk him, all I have to do is place my hand lightly on the treat bag and he will bound down the stairs. If I have my hand closed when he sees me, he gets up on his hind legs and lunges. This is probably my fault. I encourage it due to the cuteness, you see. However, he has no time for his water dish. Part of this I get. I mean water takes up premium bellyspace that could be used to store more food. I have outsmarted him on this front, as I sneak water into his system by disguising it under…FOOOOOOOD. He now happily inhales his food like a teenager eating a bowl of cereal.
WALKING AND TALKING
GRADE: A-
Oscar happily bounds along the sidewalk like a tiny, very hairy, child at the zoo. Just zooming along, not a care in the world, not really aware of where he’s going or how much space he takes up. It’s lovely to see such a carefree attitude in today’s world. The beagle in him requires that he stop to smell everything always, so we don’t really ever go too far on our walks, despite them taking a long time. And, related to the previous category, he will eat anything that resembles food that he comes across on our walks.
He’s pretty well behaved on our walks, though he does seem to have some…grudges? Vendettas? He barks and howls and bays at very specific dogs that we come across on our walks, specifically one white standard poodle. He absolutely loses his mind if we walk past this dog, even if we’re across the street. No idea what that dog did to Oscar, but it must have been badddd news. Poodles always look like they think they’re better than you anyways, so maybe Oscar is in the right here.
SLEEPING AND DREAMING
GRADE: A-
Oscar loves to sleep. Oscar loves to sleep on top of you. Oscar loves to sleep on top of your face and chest and barring that your legs and if that doesn’t work maybe just by your legs please. This is, of course, adorable BUT not always welcome. He is an incredibly soft dog, but he does have a certain HEFT to him, which isn’t nice when it is centered entirely on one’s sternum and neck. Also, due to him eating primarily freeze dried pellets of meat and meat ephemera, his breath stanks. And he’s always yawning or licking his own nose or licking my nose, so his mouth is OPEN all the time. Just wafting that fog.
And he definitely has wild dreams. He does that lil wee pseudo barking that most dogs do when they’re sleeping, but he also has a good amount of leg movement sometimes. To the point where he’s woken himself up before. Hilarious stuff.
HANGING AND CHILLING
GRADE: A+
This is Oscar’s strong suit. He loves to hang out on the couch and watch Ozark. He loves to sit at your feet and listen to Ozark. He loves to sit by you on the couch and lick his own foot. He loves to sit over in a chair and stair at the wall. As long as you’re around, he’s happy as hell. As I mentioned before, he’s extremely soft so he fits right in when you’re lounging on the couch. He’s sorta like a sentient armrest. I’m not sure if he took in the finer points of the money laundering/drug dealing noir of Ozark but he certainly didn’t complain. If you want a companion that will sit on and about your lap and just haaaaaaaaaaang for as long as you want, you should seek out a puggle.
Oscar, presumably looking at a treat in my hand.
OVERALL GRADE: A
Was it ever in doubt?
—Sean