Doggy Blog

Hercules: A Doggo Amongst Puppers

Hercules lives up to his name. As you can probably tell from the above picture. He exudes a certain strength, not only of body but also of personality. I've only been walking him for a couple weeks and he's already convinced me to buy into three pyramid schemes. When I walk into his apartment (and while dogs owning apartments is usually a joke, in this case I have it on good record that the deed for the building has Hercules' name and pawprint on it), he doesn't even bark or freak out like most (lesser) dogs would upon someone walking into their abode. Not Herc. He is such an alpha that he immediately retreats back to his post on the sectional, rolls over, and exposes his soft underbelly for admiration. If that isn't confidence, I don't know what is. He clearly determined that I was no threat from the second I walked in the door. Probably looked at my weak, anemic, pianist fingers and assumed that such weak appendages wouldn't be able to inflict any harm on his sterling canine frame.

Here are some additional true facts about this legend of a dog:

  • I swear to god that he once looked at a squirrel for too long and it burst into flames. 
  • Men want to pet him and women also want to pet him.
  • That big Pez candy lookin' thing in the above pic is a Nylabone. One of the hardest things I've ever briefly touched. Herc gnaws on it like it's a piece of damn funnel cake.
  • Also related to the above picture: he doesn't even need to focus his eyes on objects. He DOESN'T HAVE TIME AND THEY DON'T DESERVE HIS GAZE.
  • My friend, his owner (in name only, again Herc def calls the shots) tried to thin out his coat with one of them there brushes when the weather was getting warm. He ended up with a giant ball of steel wool. Herc was unchanged.
  • I think that Herc is part jackal. Maybe hyena too. He has that look to him. And he's definitely been to Africa—I've seen his passport.
    • And yes I understand that merely going to Africa as a grown dog wouldn't affect his genetic makeup—I'm implying that Herc drained a jackal and hyena of their vital humours and thus was imbued with their characteristics.
  • He winked at me once and I forgot my ATM pin number.
  • Herc is not only allowed to fly on airplanes with no legal documentation, he often fills in for the Federal Air Marshal. He's also been asked to land a few birds in particularly inclement weather.
  • His leash is made of the same material that the Navy uses to snag F16s out of the air on aircraft carriers. The difference? Herc has torn through his leash twice.
  • OH DID I FORGET TO MENTION THAT HIS COLLAR IS AN AMERICAN DAMN FLAG? Well it is. And I have it on good record that it was made from a fragment of the first American damn flag sewn by Besty damn Ross in 1802.
    • I tried to take a picture of Herc wearing this collar, but an American damn eagle swooped down and took my iPhone. Probably for the best.
  • Herc once volunteered to be a seeing eye dog last summer, but decided to cure an entire hospital ward of blindness instead.
Hercules, demonstrating his power.

Hercules, demonstrating his power.

Hercules, demonstrating his value.

Hercules, demonstrating his value.

Those are the all the secrets that I've gleaned so far from my time with Hercules. I hope to learn more. Despite all of his immensity, Herc is a down to earth pooch that seems to enjoy our walks very much. All hail Hercules, a true doggo amongst puppers!